How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
