P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
