I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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