Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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