I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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