You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
