just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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