Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I have fence marks all over my body
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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