Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
