Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
