I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize