I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize