I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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