My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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