she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
