Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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