just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just invented taco cereal.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
