#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
