they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
