right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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