Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
