Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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