My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
