i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
