i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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