I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
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