GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
