textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
