Kareoke will never be a sober sport
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
