I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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