I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
