I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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