I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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