Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
