I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
