haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
