I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
