I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Randomize
