he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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