I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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