I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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