i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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