i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Randomize
