I feel great
I just peed on a car
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize