Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
