I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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