i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
