bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I fill condoms, not promises.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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