His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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