I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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