So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
