Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
