I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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