Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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