I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
