please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
