i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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