there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
