You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Randomize
