i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
