It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Randomize
