awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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