Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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