every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Randomize
