look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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